


Fallout x And x Fallin'

by Jankenpon (orphan_account)



Series: Future x And x Advent [1]
Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Chapter Fic, M/M, Post 13th Hunter Election arc, Post Anime Spoilers, Post chimera ant, child sexual assault mention, sexual abuse mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-17
Updated: 2014-08-20
Packaged: 2018-02-13 13:35:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 15,914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2152653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Jankenpon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the Hunter Election ends, and Gon Freecs and Killua Zoldyck have completed their journey: Gon has met Ging, and Killua has figured out what he wants to do.</p><p>They go their seperate ways, the fallout of the Chimera Ant war still between them, too much left unsaid.</p><p>And so, years pass: Gon catches up on school, and Killua travels the world with Alluka.</p><p>Until Alluka's frustration and loneliness push forth a cycle that will fix or break them all...</p><p> </p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Gon was tired.

It's been four years since he came back to Whale Island. He's been busy, writing, reading, calculating, helping Mito around the house. He wakes up, does whatever schoolwork he can manage, helps Mito, exercises, does his Nen exercises, and waits. Life is peaceful, and happy, and quiet.

Gon should not be tired.

That's the thought that comes up when he lies in bed tonight, looking out the window and at the stars. It doesn't occur to him to think of how far away they seem. He sits up, annoyed and frustrated. Why is he tired? He's a teenager, he eats good, and he's never done less in his life. He's too busy trying to finish school, so he never really goes out anymore unless Mito has an errand for him. He doesn't go to the forest to run around and he doesn't go to the village much, either.

The first day of the Hunter exam, Gon hadn't slept at all helping in the ship, trying to help the sick and miserable passengers along with the few others who weren't sea sick.

Once, he had gone three days without sleeping well because rocks hit him on the head when he went out. Biscuit hadn't let up, even on the third day when Killua worried when he passed out once, but even then Gon had still been able to run and punch and fight, he was pretty sure he remembered them getting two monster cards that day.

There was one time he hadn't slept well for about five days, and though Gon didn't like to think about those times, he knew he had always been awake enough to notice enemies and threats. He'd noticed Meleoron then, after all.

 

So what's with being tired NOW?

 

It didn't make any sense, and lately it was making him mad. Anger pushed him off his bed. He wasn't tired. That was silly. He was gonna do something right now.

He made his way over to the computer, sat down, and lost himself in it. He'd been spending a lot of time online for the last year or so. Mito had noticed, and thought it was odd, but when she asked why he didn't go into the forest or the town anymore, he had just told her that he was playing a lot of games Killua had reccomended.

It was somewhat true, but he was mostly lying. It was a little sad to think about, but Gon never really felt at home outside anymore.

Once, Gon had told Killua about how he entertained women who came to the island. He hadn't thought anything of it, and when mentioned it, it had been fun to see Killua freak out. But now, thinking of those days made Gon feel...queasy.

Most of the women had taught him fun things, like sayings or words in other languages, or how to knit patches into holes in clothes or things like that. But there had been more than a few who wanted to play games, who taught him about kissing and holding hands and...

It was weird. It hadn't bothered him then, in fact, Gon had found it fun and interesting to learn all kinds of new things. So why did he feel a little sick when he thought about it now? Why did the idea of the townspeople asking him to entertain a guest or two make him feel so scared?

It was easier to stay away.

And weird as it was to say, the town was the least of his problems. Gon still felt bad for refusing to go get something or another for Mito in the forest so often, but it hadn't taken him long to realize that the forest didn't belong to him anymore once he got back.

 

The forest was a place of ghosts. Whenever he went near it, the thoughts came into his head like they were waiting there, staging an ambush he couldn't evade:

Killua jumping through trees, ahead, behind, hopping over his back and laughing as he complained,

Killua looking up at the stars, talking about how he was admirable, talking about how he didn't know what he wanted

Killua saying that Gon had been his first friend, too

Killua, sitting in front of him holding his fishing rod, Gon's hands on his shoulders, showing him how to hold it just right, both of them keeping still and waiting in the silence and the sunlight...

And it could be nice, thinking about that, it would almost be worth the pang of loneliness and hurt, but

Then there was Kite. Kite punching him, Kite telling him about his dad, Kite as a young red haired girl, forgiving him.

Those ghosts were something else entirely when they were together, though. In that forest, Kite and Killua were one, and they were every memory he put everything into trying not to remember.

It was better now, he was glad Kite was okay, but it was like a wound that hadn't quite settled, hadn't healed well, and Gon wasn't sure it ever would.

The worst thing was, it wasn't even Kite that made Gon feel sorry. It wasn't Pitou's words that truly haunted him (and oh, how Pitou haunted him).

It was his own.

_“Since it doesn't concern you”_

 

Killua had forgiven him. The moment he had seen him, Gon had been crying and hugging and apologizing, apologizing so much, talking so fast like it was going to tear his mouth open if he didn't let it out, and Killua had forgiven him.

But, even so, too much had happened. Gon lost his Nen, and there was Ging to see. And Killua had Alluka. Gon thought about going with them, after he finished... but it wasn't lost on him that Killua also had Alluka to protect, and he would be just another burden.

So, they said bye, that had been that. They still talked, of course, and Gon had gotten to know Alluka a bit through their online chats too, but things were different. He was stuck here, and even though Killua said they were doing fine, he had gotten Killua to tell him at least some about Illumi and his attempts to get control of Alluka.

It made Gon a little sick, to be honest. Killua had traveled the world with him, protected him at every turn, and now the best thing Gon could do for Killua was to stay out of the way.

He wanted his Nen back. But somehow, he had a feeling it wouldn't matter.

Wing had been the one to suggest he keep practicing his Ten. Biscuit had been too mad to help, once she understood what he'd done. She'd told him to suck it up and work on his studies. Wing had been furious, too, but something in Gon's voice had made him decide to at least give Gon a place to start.

Gon sighed, clicking on his messenger program to see Killua was offline. He waited for messages from Killua a lot, these days.

He still felt like going to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

It was rare, but sometimes, Alluka wishes she had stayed in that room.

Traveling with Killua was fun, but it was hard, too. For her and Nanika, both. She had never really had the chance to know anyone, except Killua. Out here, in the world, they had met people. Made friends. Lost them, too. Slowly, almost despite Killua's attempts to make things smooth and happy for them, they'd both learned what it meant for people to die, for things to go wrong, for things to really hurt.

Nanika felt bad often about her requests. Alluka felt bad often about her family. They shared both of these burdens, as easily as they shared food and air. As easily as they shared Killua. They shared these burdens, together and alone. 

Alluka had made friends over the years, and Nanika had grown to understand people more and more. But they hadn't met anyone they could have introduced Nanika to, yet. There was too much to explain, too much to risk. And anyway, Killua wouldn't let them. 

And maybe that was why she was starting to get mad. 

Contrary to what Killua thought, Alluka and Nanika each had only one true friend. 

It wasn't just that Killua wouldn't stand for anything less than her being completely happy. They kind of understood that. Once, her brother had asked if she would be sad, if he was the only one who loved her in the whole world. At the time, she had been so happy she could barely speak. It was the summit of her life. She could never have dreamed she'd be so lucky. Nanika had been sleeping then, but when she heard, she had yelled happier than Alluka had ever heard her.

 

But that was when their world had been a single room and a stream of butlers and family orders. Now, they wanted more. 

Killua tried hard not to show it, but their eyes were always trained on him. Too often, there was something wavering in her brother's eyes, like the surface of shallow water, just about to break. Once, when they were watching him, Nanika had said he had sad memories.

Alluka agreed, but she thought there was more. She remembered, just when they had started their adventures, just after Killua had finally understood her and Nanika, they had met a boy. He had black hair and brown eyes and later she had learned he had a brilliant, dazzling smile.

The day she met that boy, she met her brother, too. She had been quiet and watchful as the boy ran into Killua's arms, and he was crying so loudly, and he was—apologizing?-- and the face on her brother's face had been different than ever before. He was crying, too—It was the second time she had ever seen him cry, the first being for Nanika. And he was smiling, but still he looked sad. And tense, like he was ready for some kind of attack. 

Alluka asked about him a lot, at first, after he left. Killua told her about Gon, about their adventures, about how he was funny and like a dog and always did whatever he wanted and how he was super duper strong and nice. He told her all kinds of stories, but somehow there was always a sense that he was hiding things, sad things and happy things but all things that made his eyes glossy and shimmery, and Alluka couldn't really place her finger on why.

She had eventually stopped asking because of those eyes, but she had never stopped wondering. And recently, Killua's attempts to cheer her up whenever she even started to look sad were starting to grate on her.

How was it fair that he knew her so well, when he never let her know him at all?

 

This is what she was thinking about as she quietly took his tablet out of his bag. Killua was asleep, for once. He usually tried to put her to bed first, but she'd been fighting to stay awake longer, pretending to want to watch more tv, getting herself used to staying up later into the night. Killua noticed, but didn't seem to mind, and so for the last two nights Alluka had barely managed to stay up past him going to bed. 

Tonight, she actually felt alert enough to act. It was a small thing, and really if she asked Killua probably wouldn't mind anyway, but somehow she couldn't work up the nerve. Still, she felt a little bad as she lit up the screen.

And then she stopped dead in her tracks.

Of course. She knew Killua's tablet was password protected, but she'd forgotten. This was a problem. Maybe she'd just give up and try to ask, after all. 

She decided to give it a try, though. She tried to put in a password: Alluka, her name. The tablet blinked, part of the screen flashed red, and she was informed that she had two attempts left. If she had been comfortable with cursing, she would have. Since that didn't work, she decided to try Nanika. There was another flash left, and the machine told her that she had one more attempt before an alarm went off and it locked down for 40 minutes.

She supposed that was that. She was going to have to give up and try a different approach. In frustration and dissapointment, she let herself do a harsh sigh, and then jumped, checking to see if Killua had been woken up. She had had enough time to learn how sensitive he was to sound. But surprisingly, he was still in bed, facing away from her, shoulders delicately heaving up and down.

She wondered what he dreamed about, and there was a pang in her heart.  
She was so tired of having no one to know.

 

She turned her attention back to the screen. She asked Nanika, Nanika agreed, and it was decided. One way or another, tonight, she was going to change things.

She had one last try and one last guess. If she failed, Killua would wake up, and then they would both have to explain themselves. It was better than going to sleep lonely and empty again.

She typed three letters into the screen.

She screen blurred, gave way, and Killua's messenger program was at her fingertips. She exhaled a breath, and wondered again about this boy. It wasn't lost on her that neither of them were the words that barred the gateway to his inner life. 

She muted the pad, and clicked on the program. She had spent so long wondering who Killua was when he wasn't her sunshine, and she had spent so long wondering who Gon was, why they had cried. The messenger program finished loading, and like it was fate, Gon was online. 

She was going to find out.


	3. Chapter 3

Gon jolted up in his chair from the gentle beep of the laptop. It hadn't been all that loud, but he'd fallen asleep right up against it, so the speaker had happened to burst to life right into his ear. 

He looked at the black screen, and his first thought adrenaline cutting through the fog. Killua...! His hands brushed the laptop's pad, and looked at the screen buzzed to life, bringing him a message box with Killua's username stamped on the top. His heart skipped a beat. 

 

Shockin' Slick: Hello? Gon?  
Shockin' Slick: Is this you?  
Rockin' Pole: Killua!! Hi!!!!! You sound kinda weird?? you alright?????  
Shockin' Slick: Um, sorry, I'm Alluka. Big brother's asleep.  
Rockin' Pole: Oh!! Hey Alluka. How are you?  
Shockin' Slick: I'm ok. I don't have a lot of time. He could wake up anytime.  
Shockin' Slick: I wanted to talk to you, but I can't take his tablet all the time, could you add me on my account? Killua made me one so I could talk to some friends I met.  
Rockin' Pole: Uh....okay? Is Killua ok? Why are you hiding stuff from him?

Alluka paused. She hadn't thought this through. Gon was Killua's friend, not hers, and he was likely to tell Killua anything, wasn't he? This wasn't good. 

But she was this far in already. The worst case scenario was the same as the alarm. She was going to do this, as far as she could.

Shockin' Slick: … Big brother is ok. I just wanted to talk to you. I'll explain everything, I promise, and I want to tell him eventually...  
Shockin' Slick: So could you keep this a secret from him, for now? Please?

Gon paused. He'd only spoken to Alluka a bit, and never without Killua around. This was pretty weird. But...

He was taking too long. Alluka licked her lips.

Shockin' Slick: If you do, I'll give you a wish. I'm not supposed to, but I need to talk to somebody. I promise we can tell Killua eventually, but I need to talk to you first.

Gon read the message, and his brow furrowed hard. 

Rockin' Pole: We can talk, but you have to explain what's wrong. And I DONT WANT ANY WISH!!!!!!!! I dont want to talk to you just to get your power, that's wrong.

Shockin' Slick: Ok. I'm sorry. My name is Allunani. I'm going to put this back and get on over there, ok?

Rockin' Pole: Ok. I'll wait here.

Alluka disconnected the messenger, turned off the tablet, and slowly and quietly put it back in Killua's bag. Her tablet was right by her in the bed, so she turned it on and logged in, a strange thrill in her heart.

She accepted Gon's friend request and there he was, her first step into Killua, and maybe her first step into making real friends.

Allunani: I've never had a secret with a friend before. Is it bad that it's a little nice?

Rockin' Pole: Since it's Killua, that feels pretty wrong..besides, what about Nanika? Don't you and Killua have that secret?

Allunani: No, I don't think so

Allunani: It's not that we're keeping a secret together. It's that we're a secret—me and Nanika.

Allunani: And he keeps us.


	4. Chapter 4

The more Gon heard, the more his heart ached. Now, with nothing to think of and Alluka to bounce off, Killua came crystal clear in his eyes for the first time. Gon had always seen a lot of Killua, even when he tried to hide, but now Gon understood just how much he had missed. He always watched Killua with one eye, the other always locked onto the horizon, leading them down the path, leading the way. Chasing Ging.

But for Killua, it had never been Ging. The horizon had always been wherever Gon set it, and he'd always been the focus of his eyes. 

Gon gritted his teeth. He was telling Alluka a lot, slowly but surely. They had started with her: talking about her brother, the way he paved over the deaths she had caused, the way he insisted she should be happy and not worry about other people, the way he never really talked about himself at all. 

 

 

But eventually, Alluka had started asking him questions. About what Killua was like, about what he thought of Killua, about whether he was ever sad. Eventually, she asked about when they met—about why he and Killua had been crying that day, what they had meant, why he didn't come with them.

And suddenly, like a tidal wave, it had come clear to him. It was too much. Telling her? Telling this girl who thought the world of Killua, who only wanted an honest friend, about Illumi, about the threat to them...about his powerlessness, and what caused it....

about the ants...

about his words...

it was too much. He couldn't imagine doing it, it seemed breathtaking and gargantuan a task, like it would devour him unless he broke under it's weight first. 

But. He had promised...

 

And so here he was today. Weeks later. Weeks of occasional talks with Killua and very common talks with Alluka. She was careful, so she dissapeared in the middle of things all the time, but luckily Killua generally didn't think about what she could be doing on the screen, so it was possible to keep this up.

And he was probably going to ruin it.

 

 

 

Rockin' Pole: Alluka...I need to apologize.

Allunani: Huh?? why?

Rockin' Pole: I don't know if...I can really keep my promise and be really honest with you.

Allunani: ….

Allunani: why?? that's not fair!!!!!

Rockin' Pole: I know. But...

Rockin' Pole: It's complicated

Allunani: So????? Doesn't that just mean it'll take a long time?? I can wait!! I've BEEN waiting!!! And you still haven't really said anything!!!!!!

Allunani: You're just like my brother. You're worse

Rockin' Pole: It's...I'm sorry. It's just that thinking about it, thinking about anything right now, it hurts too much

Rockin' Pole: If I was with you, and I could talk, then maybe...maybe, I could

Rockin' Pole: I couldn't tell you everything, because there's stuff only Killua should be allowed to tell you, but I could tell you about me, maybe

Rockin' Pole: If I did that, I would probably scare you. You probably wouldn't know what to do. But I could say the words, maybe

Rockin' Pole: But if I tried to write it...I would break the computer. It's that simple. I'll prove it.

 

Gon sent the message and his proof, and waited. He waited quite a while. Long enough that he worried. But finally, eventually, she came back

 

Allunani: I'm sorry. Big brother noticed I was upset, so I had to pretend to be sad about a story I read. I think he knows I was lying, but he didn't try to find out. 

Rockin' Pole: I'm sorry...it's all my fault...

Alluka understood now, at least somewhat. At least, she knew he wasn't pretending, or trying to keep her safe, or lying to her. 

She had seen his proof.

Gon had taken a picture of himself with his webcam and sent it to her. It had been hours between her being able to catch a glimpse of it and her being able to respond without Killua's prying eye, but that had been enough.

This Gon was a world away from the boy she had met, wild grins and happy teasing. This Gon looked similar—still hale, still hearty--, but his eyes were...

He was crying, but he was still trying hard to keep on a small smile. It didn't work very well. He seemed sadder somehow, like he needed to keep up a front, like he was keeping something back.

She had been forced to look away, and in the same way she was forced to look at them again. His eyes were tight and pinched, and something in them was...hollow. Empty, or full to the brim so completely that they might break under the weight of what they held. 

 

 

He was telling the truth. She wouldn't learn anything real from him while they were divided by this screen, and there was no way she could get to him anytime soon. 

And even if they did meet, they would be divided by the wall of Killua.

She needed an out. Nanika complained that they couldn't wish for themselves, and Alluka agreed, bitter and angry. There was no way for her to do anything now. 

At the moment, Alluka was in her room. She had begged Killua to get her a present, making sure to stay as vague and annoying as possible, just to get him out of the hotel room they were currently staying in. That had been almost ten minutes ago, and she didn't know how much time she had left. Talking to Gon would be too risky with Killua around, she was feeling too much to hide and he was already suspicious. She needed something. She needed--

She needed to charge her tablet. She sighed hard, and rolled over on the bed to get to the electrical cable. She grabbed it, plugged the tablet in, 

she paused.

 

One of the few things her brother had been honest with her about was Nen. Soon after they started traveling together, he had explained to her exactly what Nen was, how he used it, and what he could do. He did it so that she would know how to act in an emergency, but Alluka had been curious to learn more about it for herself, so he had helped her learn the basics and eventually she and nanika and taken the water divination test.

When they did, the leaf had reacted by growing itself into a full plant.

Killua said he wasn't sure what that was about, and that that likely made her a specialist. Offhandedly, he had also mentioned that maybe Nanika had to do with her Nen, too, because her aura seemed...weird.

She also remembered that he explained about his restriction. Occasionally, Killua would plug forks or other things into electrical sockets, to “charge” himself for his fasty thing that made his hair all silly. Apparently, that let him use it better.

Alluka moved to the tablet.

Allunani: Gon, listen to me. We don't have a lot of time, so I need you to agree, ok?

Rockin' Pole: Huh?? Um, Ok

Allunani: Tell me how to use restrictions on Nen. My brother said you both had them, right?

Rockin' Pole: Huh??? Um...wow, that's out of nowhere. Well....

Rockin' Pole: I think it's different for everybody! But basically, there's something you agree to do, and you have to follow the rules you set to do it. Whether or not it works usually depends on whether it matters to you enough, basically? But if it doesn't work, then whatever you were trying to do probably just won't happen, and if you break the rule, then you won't be able to do it anymore.

Rockin' Pole: Why do you ask?

Alluka didn't answer right away.

She and Nanika were talking.  
What was there for them to give up?  
What could they do to get what they wanted?


	5. Chapter 5

Occasionally, especially early on, Alluka thought about asking Killua to wish for their family to love her. Illumi scared her, and she didn't like Milluki, and mom and dad were cold to her, but still, she thought it would be nice, maybe. Maybe Killua could also wish that they all forget about everything, and they could all be together, like a family. She hadn't done it, mainly because she couldn't figure out how to make it so everyone accepted Nanika and their power. She couldn't be sure that, even if they loved her, everything would end up the same again. So she'd held back. Doing something like that would mean that she rewrite the hearts and minds of other people. That scared her, for reasons she couldn't quite explain, and it made her feel unpleasant and dangerous in a completely different way. Killua would never make her do something like that, but still...  
  
Could this work? Could the two of them, her and Nanika, work together and make this happen?  
  
She and Nanika rested against each other in the subtle, intimate space of their minds. Nanika rested her head on her cheek. Nanika didn't speak a lot with words, but that was only because here, she could speak in pictures and feelings, in the crystal clear song of her soul.  
  
Nanika understood her thoughts like her own, and she agreed.  
  
Alluka couldn't help but smile, big and wide, as wide as when Killua had made her the happiest girl in the world.  
  
For the first time in their life, there was something in their power that they wanted to _try._


	6. Chapter 6

–---------------------------------------------------------------------

 

_Alluka and Nanika, together, decided:_

_We'll never be Zoldycks, so, let's never use this power to change another soul_

_So,_

_Let's gain the power to make a written contract, instead._  
_The contract will end when we decide._  
_And it will consist of four requests One fulfilled by us, three fulfilled by the other_  
_That must be completed to our satisfaction._

_Okay?_

–------------------------------------------------------------------------


	7. Chapter 7

Gon couldn't stop thinking about Killua.

Now that Alluka had made it all clear for him, he couldn't stop thinking about how little Killua had said back then, the last time they saw each other. As usual, Gon had decided how things would go and Killua had followed, Gon had taken up the sky with his thoughts, and that gave Killua the space he needed to hide.

He was an idiot.

They both were, but especially Gon. He knew Killua was mad. He knew how far he'd gone. But he'd also been dead. Of course Killua hadn't said everything back then. Of course he hadn't said anything at all.

Of course his forgiveness was forced. Gon was good at getting Killua to bend to his whims. He'd always known that.

A message from the laptop caught his attention. He was grateful for the distraction. He read the words on the screen and did not understand, so he had to read it again.

 

Allunani: Gon. 

Allunani: We are going to give you your Nen back.

Allunani: And then you are going to complete my requests.

Allunani: This is the only chance any of us have.


	8. Chapter 8

Gon Freecs, age 18, going on 19, told Mito Freecs that he was leaving for the third time.

She was angry, but he promised that he would try to make it not be too long, and next time he came, he was going to bring Killua back. Still they argued, back and forth, even though Mito knew it was inevitable, even though Gon knew it was basically pretend.

Eventually, they compromised on one thing: Gon would have to take a semester's worth of schoolwork, and he would have to come back with it completed before the semester was out. Otherwise, he'd be in deep trouble.

Gon was packed that night. He ran into the village for the first time in months at dead speed. He couldn't wait days for a boat. He couldn't wait days ON a boat. It was too slow. It would all be too slow.

He knocked on the door of an old fisherman, he was always nice to Gon and had an extra two boats, so losing one wouldn't be too bad.

 

He explained that he needed a boat and said he'd bring the fisherman a million jenny when he came back, and he had his boat. He asked the fisherman which direction the mainland was, the fisherman pointed, and promised another million for the response.

He ran so fast, faster than he'd run in years, he hadn't realized how long it'd been since he'd really run. He hadn't realized how long it'd been since he really smiled. He was as happy as he was terrified.

He was scared of this port, now. That hadn't gone away, and Gon thought it probably never would. He was too old, he understood too much, and he'd spent too long drowning in it to come away dry.

He was scared of the forest, too. It still held too many ghosts, too many memories, too much pain. Even if he was really able to fix things, This place no longer belonged to him. Even if the little house with Mito was, this island could never be home.

But. If he could fix it, if he could make it better, if he could _get him back_

Then it could still be sweet and bitter and special, and he could still show Alluka, and he could bear the thought of standing with the ghosts.

Yes. This was good. This was right. Finally, finally, he was coming home.

Another row, and he was roughly at the angle he needed to head off the way the fisherman had pointed. He carefully, so carefully, angled the boat against the cliff wall where the forest rested. It ocurred to him he might hurt some animals, so he jumped up along the cliff, reached the forest, and gave a loud shout.

Hearing the critters scurry and squawk out, he grinned his first real grin in what felt like a lifetime, and jumped back down.

 

He faced the wall. Checked his backpack straps carefully, made sure his school stuff rested tight and firm against his back. It wouldn't do if the impact threw his pack off into the water, or just blew the damn thing up.

He needed to be careful. Use the right angle so that the force pushed the pack up against his back.

He thought:

Killua.

And all the other words stopped dead in their tracks.

_I miss you_

_Wait for me_

_I'll make it better_

even

_I'm sorry_

were lost to the light of the name. The only thing worth looking at in his mind, right now.

Killua. Killua.

_Killua!_

He bent in front of the cliff

**“First comes rock...”**


	9. Chapter 9

Alluka sat across from him, quiet and still. It was making him very nervous.

 

Killua Zoldyck was working hard. The past years, he had done everything he could to make Alluka happy, trying hard to focus his energy on being a good brother and a good protector. They'd had a lot of fun and seen a lot of places, and while Alluka understood that there were secrets she needed to keep, it had warmed his heart to see her meet people, make friends, and begin to understand the world.

 

It was nice, to see her happy and full of wonder. At least for some amount of time, he could forget, distract himself, keep the ghost of Gon at bay. He had done everything possible to keep her happy, but he knew himself well enough to know that it was as much for him as it was for her. Killua didn't know if he had the strength to help Alluka if the world broke through her inner circle of light and she really began to question their lives up until now.

 

One time, Alluka had voiced regret. About before. About how she and Nanika hadn't really understood, neither themselves nor reality. She said that although she didn't remember, Nanika had told her the victim's names. Or had tried. It had turned out Nanika only ever learned one of them: Kasuga.

 

She had seemed like she was about to continue, but that was when Killua had stepped in. He performed masterfully: using all the lightning he could manage, he'd beckoned to Alluka to cover her ears and look up at the sky. Once she had, he launched his light upwards and outwards, shaping it, directing it as best he could manage considering the speed.

 

It was far from perfect, but he had more or less managed. For a brief second, in the clear blue sky, he had turned the world white just to carve in Alluka's name. It had worked like a charm. Her eyes welled, her cheeks flashed with color, she had smiled so wide that it seemed impossible for a smile to be wider

 

_(A pang of agony shot through him because it was so strange to look at her and see a shade of Gon. It was almost cruel. )_

 

And he'd gotten his reward: so much hugging, so much happy yelling, and Alluka, happy and living in the light of today, Alluka who didn't need to worry about how cruel things could be, not if he could help it.

 

Killua Zoldyck had learned something about himself since he parted ways with Gon:

 

He was never going to really want to do anything for himself.

 

Killua understood he was a mismatched half. He was the moon waiting for sunlight to shine with. It wasn't that he was empty, or worthless, necessarily, but to him, the world lacked luster and value when he stood on top of it by himself. He was in the prime of his life and incredibly powerful, with enough money to set himself for life several times over, and none of it mattered.

 

What he lacked, inherently, was the will to live on his own. He needed people, more than anything. People who saw light outside, and would be kind enough to share it with him. And even then, Killua knew, not just anyone would do.

 

He tried to remember far enough back, to when he ran away from home. To figure out whether he'd come this way out of the box, or if it was something Gon had taken from him. A few times, though he hated to admit it, he'd cursed Gon and the day they met, lonely and empty under nights that went on forever.

 

Whatever the case, this was his truth now. He'd found what he'd wanted to do, on his journey with Gon, and as they had agreed, that was over now. Now, his life was Alluka. It wouldn't be fair for him to spend time with her while wishing he could be somewhere else.

 

And the truth was, he didn't. He loved Alluka, not as an afterimage but all on her own. He loved the way it was as easy for her to pick a place to go as Killua mentioning a friend he had. Leorio, Wing, Biscuit, Ikalgo, Palm, they'd all had time to meet and fall for Alluka, in turn. They'd all understood when he'd set boundaries for their questions, as well. And so they had spent months, traveling from friend to friend and taking detours to sights and places they happened to want to see.

 

He loved her smiles, her laughs, the way she took in everything to its fullest and tried so hard to be kind and loving and right. It came so naturally to her. Just the opposite of him.

 

It occurred to him that it wasn't really that he saw Gon in Alluka at all. Or well, at least, it wasn't just his ridiculous heartbroken head. The two were just...similar, somehow. Like they both were children of the same marvelous star. He'd thought a few times what a marvelous coincidence it had been, what a miracle, that he'd just happened to meet Gon of all people that day, at the exam. That he'd chosen to run, chosen to do that sick trick off his skateboard just to impress.

 

But now, he didn't think it was either of those things at all. He suspected, but wasn't quite sure, that what had urged him was Gon's smile, and the vague flash of Alluka it had brought to his head. He had been too young then, to really think about how he felt or what things meant, too focused on just getting away and doing something else, too burdened by the blood on his hands to want to think about that house, or even what he'd left behind there, but still, when he thought back, he thought he could remember that flash.

 

Alluka's hands stirred. Fumbled, felt themselves, felt each other, and with every motion, Killua felt his dread grow. This was different than her soft remembrance of Kasuga. She had demanded that he sit, sat down herself, and then simply remained quiet. But he could tell she was struggling with something, and he was scared to ask what.

 

 

 

She had been different, the last few days. She had taken to staying up later, and he'd let her, figuring it was just a phase, her testing her independence, trying to find her own space. That was good, he thought. Then she'd started spending a lot of time watching a certain show on her tablet, and she was emphatic that he wasn't allowed to see it. Once, it had made her cry, so angry and upset that Killua hadn't really known what to do. He'd freaked out a little, but eventually he had been able to calm her down with hugs and a present she asked him to go and pick out. It had been odd.

 

Could whatever this was involve the show? Had she finished it? If she had finished it and it made her upset, he was going to be really mad. For a second, he considered killing the crew in charge of it, but quickly dismissed the idea. No. Bad. He was a good guy.

 

Suddenly, Alluka looked up. She seemed to be struggling for words.

 

“I'm not sure where to start.”, she said.

  
He blinked.

 

“Huh?”

 

“No, I think I know. I have to tell you a lot, and you'll be mad, but I don't know how much time we have, with you I never know how much time we have--”

 

“Alluka--, what? You're scaring me. Time? Is something wrong with Nanika? Did you see Illumi and not tell me? No, that's impossible, I'd have noticed, what--”

 

“Gon is coming.” She said.

 

Killua may as well have been stone. She looked up, tears shining in her eyes, somewhere between angry and defiant, and said words that felt like a tornado kicking off under his feet, launching him sky high, so high there _was_ no sky.

 

“I gave him his Nen back. And Gon is coming.”


	10. Chapter 10

Killua Zoldyck has literally never, ever been angrier in his entire god damned fucking life.

 

It was impossible to even begin to think clearly. There was so much wrong. There was so, SO much to be mad about. His head was a storm, a desperate whirlwind of rage and hurt and fear. Alluka sat quietly across from him on the tram on the way to Heaven's Arena, the place Alluka and Gon had decided to meet up (Without even asking Killua, of course, because **who needed to talk to Killua, clearly not anybody** ), obviously uncomfortable but keeping up the defiant and unrelenting stance she first took the moment she began to fill him in.

 

Killua was working on a list of the things he was angry about:

 

1\. Alluka taking his tablet and sneaking around with his friend behind his back.

 

2\. Alluka risking everything, everything he had done to keep her safe by playing around with her rules and granting Gon a wish

 

3\. **Gon accepting her offer and taking back his Nen**

 

4\. The fact that Alluka refused to tell him her contract's requests

 

5\. **Gon accepted a wish that was probably worse than the one he'd used to bring him back.**

 

6\. Alluka has been lying to him. Lying and hiding things and manipulating him to get him out of the way.

 

 

 

7\. **Gon talked to him like, three days ago, and he had been talking to Alluka and he said NOTHING AND DEAR GOD HE WAS GOING TO KICK GON'S FUCKING ASS**

 

“If you hate Gon so much, why did you tell me so many nice things about him?”

 

Killua looked up.

 

Alluka wasn't looking at him. She was staring down into her lap, her bangs covering her eyes. Her voice had barely shaken at all, but he could see her mouth bent weirdly, like she was trying to keep down something too bitter or sour.

 

“Why do you always lie to me?” then her voice did crack.

 

Killua felt his anger slam face-first into Alluka's sadness. Damnit, damnit, damnit. It was always the same. She was upset, and just like that all his anger was evaporating like ice flying into the sun. It was impossible for him to stay mad. All he wanted was for Alluka to be happy.

 

And yet.

 

And yet, he was still being lied to. He was still being tricked. And worse than anything, Alluka had put all their lives at risk, again, and she hadn't even thought to ask. And now he was just going to let it pass. Just to see her smile.

 

  
Just like with Gon back then.

 

He clenched his teeth over his tongue and pressed hard. He clutched at every last bit of resolve he could hold on to. Every bit of anger. He'd need all he could get.

 

 

 

He probably wasn't going to be able to work up the will to kick Gon's ass. He knew he wasn't going to even yell at Alluka, not with her like this. But he was still going to find a middle path.

 

“ I don't hate Gon, and I don't lie to you. What are you talking about? And after you go pulling this? Tch” He tossed himself back and crossed his arms. Looked away from her.

 

“That's not true!” as suddenly as they came, the tears were gone, and she was looking up at him with fire and lightning in her eyes. “You lie all the time! You're always hiding stuff! You think I can't see you but you're wrong, you look sad and lonely, and when I try to talk to you, you just pretend...”

 

She took a breath, her voice wavering again

 

“It's like you don't trust me at all.”

 

She pouted up at him-- no. They pouted up at him, together, tears glimmering but angry, just like that time...

 

Killua saw this from a sideways glance, determined to give no quarter, determined not lose this fight. Luckily, he'd just caught a break.

 

She'd given him his anger back.

 

“Don't TRUST you?” He nearly barked it. “You put our lives on the line and you don't even ask, and you're complaining I don't TRUST you?”

 

He turned to face her, bent over, hands on his knees and scowling.

  
“Alluka, I love you more than anyone. If there's stuff I don't say, it's not because I dont' trust you, it's because sometimes people have things that AREN'T ANY OF YOUR BUSINESS” he has trouble believing that he actually yelled it, but he doesn't have much time to think about it

 

“But that's not fair!”  
Alluka stood up, fists raised, like she's boxing with her heart here.

 

“It isn't fair. You get to know everything about me. Even when I'm sad, or when I feel bad about what we did wrong, or anything, you know, and you won't even let me just think about it at all!” She yelled. She breathed hard after that, like she just threw a great weight off her back

 

Killua blinked. He was not ready to hear that. He was trying to think of a response, when she started back up.

 

“Why is it...that you get to keep everything to yourself, when Nanika can't even speak to anyone she meets? If we don't feel bad about Kasuga, about the others, then how are we ever going to figure out how to live for ourselves? How do I...” the tears began to flow again. It was like she was a faucet that had broken somehow, and she constantly tried and failed to plug up the holes in the dam.

 

“How do I ever make any real friends, if everything I'm doing is just a lie...?”

 

“If even my brother can't rely on me for anything...”

 

And there was some Zoldyck to her indeed, because to Killua, the next words he heard burnt worse than Gon's that far-off day, because part of him knew he deserved them.

 

“It's almost like...like I'm just a pet you have to keep happy, all the time.”

 

His 13 year old sister laughed, but for the first time, it was filled with a strange and bitter humor.

 

“I guess I do have some pretty cool tricks, though, huh?”

 

Killua recoiled like he'd been punched in the stomach. There was nothing worse than this. Nothing worse than hearing her talk about herself like she was some...some...

 

“It's not fair. I don't want to live because someone's taking care of me anymore. I want to do things, and think things, and talk to people like myself. If I get into trouble, you can help me, but if you get into trouble, you have to let me help you.”

 

When had she gotten so smart? When had he gotten into the habit of underestimating her, of thinking her as a clueless kid, needing to be protected? He bit his lip, and didn't notice the small taste of blood.

She had already beaten him, but he supposed she didn't know, or maybe she just needed to say the words, admit them to the air so they could be real.

 

“If you don't, big brother...

 

Slowly, slowly, she had been making her way to him. As she said those last few words, the ones that changed them forever, she sat down next to him, and took hold of his hand.

 

then I'm just in a bigger room.”

 

His breath hitched. He looked up at her, and his vision was so blurry that he had to blink before he could see Alluka, smiling through tears of her own, Alluka, Nanika, the sweetest girls he had ever known, with enough demons and corpses behind them to break a soul.

 

He cried. He wasn't sure for how long, but he held Alluka and Alluka held him and they both cried. He tried to apologize and she tried to make it okay, and between the two of them they understood, that they'd broken things too much to fix them up the same way. Or maybe circumstance had simply brought them to each other broken already.

 

It was fine. They didn't have the words, but they also understood that bones that snap can grow back stronger.

 


	11. Chapter 11

It was a while before either of them could calm down, and by the time they had, the tram was dark and blue with the moonlight. There were fluorescent lights they could turn on, but since this one would carry them for several days, it was up to them to flip them on, and right now they both preferred the soft, cushioning dark to smooth over their sharper edges.

Eventually, Killua felt like he was able to speak. He mulled over the words carefully, but with a sense of fragile peace.

Their voices come softly, softly like a gentle breeze

“You're right.”

“I know”

“You don't have to be smug about it”

“It's fun, though. Big brother's almost always right, I'm happy I get a turn.”

“Ah. Well, I guess that's fair.”

They're silent for a bit longer.

“Okay. Before Gon reaches you and has to do them, can you tell me your requests?”

He was worried. They've never put this contract thing to the test. Alluka said the time limit was her own choice, but he wasn't sure what that meant. Was the contract fulfilled when she decided it was? If it couldn't be, could she stretch the time limit indefinitely? Killua suspected Alluka hadn't even considered these potential limits to her powers, and that scared him. There were too many unknown variables. He could deal with Gon after this.

“Nope!” she said, smiling at him in a way so shameless and self-satisfied, he really did feel like he was looking at Gon, for a second.

“W h a t ?” He intoned, making sure to lace it with every bit of annoyance and disbelief he could muster. “Are you kidding me? Why not!?”

“Well...” she started, putting a finger up to her lips and staring into the roof. He was pretty sure she was doing this on purpose. “I think it's that, you're still lying a little.”

Some passengers in the carts next over considered filing noise complaints, Killua's “What the hell is that supposed to mean?!” was so loud.

She smiled softer at him, and then looked away, relaxed and accepting.

“You said that you love me more than anyone”

Killua was stunned. He couldn't believe what he was hearing, that this was what she chose to question. He was about to protest loudly enough to probably break the windows, but she pressed her finger to his lips, locking the words inside.

“I know you love me. But the way you look, so often...” she took a breath.  
“It reminds me, a little bit, of how I felt in that room. Missing you. Only it's better and also worse.” She looked up at him, and he cursed his luck. Why did everyone he loved find it so easy to see right through him? Everyone except for...

“I think it's Gon. I think you miss him, and I know something's wrong, something that keeps you from wanting to see him.”

“We got to know each other a bit, talking about you. Enough that I think he needs you too. I don't understand what's wrong, or what happened, but I can feel it, sort of...”

“Nanika felt it too, even though she doesn't really understand too well. She's trying, but it's harder for her. But still, when we saw Gon, we knew he had to....”

Saw?

Had to????

“And I guess that's what made us decide to try it. I don't think you're ever going to be really happy unless you change whatever's wrong, and you were never going to. You needed our help. Both of you needed our help.”

Killua drank the words in. Tasted them. Accepted them. His little sisters, wise beyond their years. Of course they were. Basically, they more or less had the power of God, and they were already starting to understand the kind of responsibility that came with it.

It was ridiculous in hindsight, him thinking he could ever really sneak anything past her.

“Also...part of me really wanted to try it. Both of us did. We wanted to see if we could change the rules. Control our power. Make it something _we_ could use, in a way, if we had to.”

She smiled wide. Even through the dark, this smile was entirely new to Killua, and it ocurred to him he really wished he'd turned the lights on now. He wished he could see it more clearly.

“It made me really happy. To think that I could do something, because I wanted to, and not just for someone else. To think that there was something only I could do, and I could use it to help you. It makes me feel like...  
like I have a future, I guess? Mmmmm” she played the thoughtful sound like a soft melody, letting it die out slow and gentle.

Killua thought he might die from pride. He was still a bit too raw to be really happy, but this...yeah, this felt good. This felt right.

“Alright. I'm glad to hear that. But I still have one more question.”

“Mmm?”

“What do you mean, you saw Gon? And what makes you think he needs me, anyway?”

“Oh.” She paused. Licked her lips.

“I can't tell you that.”

Killua blinked, and then sighed hard and long. He should start getting used to this, apparently.

“Why not? Do I at least get to hear that much?”

“Gon asked me not to. He said, 'I think I can do it, but only if Killua doesn't understand, and only if you don't show him that picture. If you do that, or he knows the requests, he'll probably mess things up bad, so don't tell him, and if he asks why, tell him this is what I said'”

She finished her quote, and smiled sweetly at him.

“So I thought it's better if I don't say anything. Besides, I kind of want to see what it's like when you two do whatever you're going to do!”

Killua thought about the hundreds of ways he could snap a dude's neck. He could not believe he was getting played by his little sister and his best friend so bad.

“You're both so selfish. Fine, whatever! But Gon's gonna pay for that later.” He said, half as a promise and half as a threat. He leaned back into the chair, spreading his arms along the back and lifting his head high, like he could wade through these undignified waters as the bigger man. He was totally going to kick Gon in the ass, he promised himself. At least once. Seriously, what a damn ass.

Alluka smiled one more time, and leaned onto her big brother's shoulder, and like that they waited, and like that they drifted off to sleep.


	12. Chapter 12

Killua was eating sooo many chocorobos. It was all he could think of to do, but it still didn't make him any less nervous. 

They were sitting on the roof of the house where, a lifetime ago, he and Gon had first learned about the secrets of Nen. To Killua, though, it was the house where Wing had told him that he was definitely qualified to be a hunter.

He knew what Gon thought about Illumi, but he'd never had real cause to say anything in particular, and Killua could never admit how much Illumi's words hurt him, how he wished for a brace to them, even to himself.

And so, it had been Wing and not Gon that day, who was the first to really let him hear that his brother could be wrong. About him, about everything. For that, Wing had gained a special place in his heart, maybe not quite admiration, but respect and a fondness sourced in gratitude. 

The memory was comforting to him, and that was part of the reason why he'd picked this particular spot to wait for Gon. He'd called Wing beforehand, hoping to visit as part of their wait, but Wing had told him he and Zushi were out of town, though he was welcome to let himself in and stay as long as he needed.

It had ocurred to Killua that it was probably for the best. Wing was fine, but Zushi would have wanted to be around, and that would have made things complicated...

Things were already so complicated. He sighed in aggravation and anxious misery. He wished Gon would get here already. And, simultaenously, the thought of seeing Gon now filled him with a strange sort of mortal dread.

 

It was sad to linger on that reality, but it was true. He was still his best friend in the world, they still kept in touch, but...

The thought of seeing Gon's determined eyes, his overflowing smile, the thought of seeing how he'd gotten taller, unwound upwards and outwards like his body had been too small for him all along...he could it imagine it so clearly it was like fire, filling his head and filling his gut deep in the nights when Alluka was asleep and he had no choice but to stare down the feeling of being alone. 

The truth was, he knew this was a losing game. There would be no happy ending for him, not one involving Gon, anyway. Gon was his best friend, but to Killua, he was also his most brutal traitor. No one had ever hurt him as bad as Gon. His memories of electric shocks, of squirming and clutching at his stomach as the poison cut its marks, of the familiar feel of leather cracking like claws into his flesh,

None of it held a candle to the way he felt when he thought about Gon, now. 

And the hell of it was, it didn't matter. He'd figured that out pretty quick after Gon was back. It wasn't that he hadn't apologized: The moment he'd seen him, Gon had been giant, warbling eyes, rivers of tears and snot, apologizing and apologizing and apologizing. 

For his words.

And that was fine, that was what he'd promised himself, but Killua had found himself both disarmed and unsatisfied. Powerless. He'd had so many things he'd wanted to say, he'd been so angry, up until the moment he'd touched Gon's hand in that awful bed. 

 

 

The instant Gon was back, real and physical and there, Killua was mute and neutered. All he could ask for was another minute, another second, of Gon's smile, aimed at him. And just like that, before he'd had the chance to catch his breath (though he knew he'd never really have caught his breath), Gon had been gone again. Relegated to distant text and mostly casual conversations, about games and distant stories and nothing dangerous, like how he feels. 

Until now.

Alluka had been quiet for hours, pondering secret thoughts, not quite sad but not quite eager. She jolted him out of his thoughts. 

“Can you tell me what's wrong?” she asked. She was gentle, scared almost, and his heart broke for her all over again. To think he'd been stupid enough to think she'd want his charades and fallacies. All she wanted was to listen, and understand.

But, right now, it was too much. There was too much, no place to start, and he knew intimately that if he spoke too much, he'd break, and a person could only break once. 

He hated it. He hated that it had to be like this, that he wasn't strong enough to say the words, to face the facts, to be able to give her what he'd stubbornly been denying he had at all. 

“...No, I can't. I'm sorry.” He looked at the ground so he wouldn't risk meeting her eyes.

“Oh.” It was small, and neutral, and it came alone.

 

Killua bit his lip.

 

“...When Gon comes, you need to promise me not to say anything.”, he said.

He looked up at her, and her eyes were wide, surprised and confused, but waiting.

“There's... It's not that I don't want you to know, or that I want to keep it a secret, or anything. It's just that there's too much. And Gon doesn't know any of it, either.”

He watched her carefully. As he finished, as understanding filled her eyes, he could see the clench in her jaw, the furrowing of her brow, and he knew it wasn't anger but determination. He continued,

“I'll play along with your little plan, since I don't have a choice now. But to be honest, I think this is going to make everything worse. If Gon really understands everything, I don't know if he'll ever really speak to me again. –“

He stopped. No. Of course that wasn't true

“ Or rather, he and I will never really be able to be friends. Not the way you know from what I've told you, anyway. Things stayed this way for a reason, a lot of reasons, but now that it's come to this...”

He wanted to make sure, damnit. In the end, even though he knew it was his own damned fault, he was still angry at her, for doing this to him. Doing this to them. And he wanted to make sure she understood what it meant.

“You're going to stay, and you'll get to hear everything. Probably, by the end of it, you'll at least kind of understand. But, you have to be quiet, because this is between Gon and me, and you can't just up and fix things you don't understand.”

“I want you to know that. I want you to remember that doing this, making this end, is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.”

His eyes never wavered, and neither did hers. He had expected her to cry, to get scared, to try to take it back. But she didn't. She faced him head on, ready and aware, resolved and accepting. 

“I understand.”

That was all that needed to be said.

Which was good, because that was when they started hearing the wail steadily growing, coming from the sky. Killua looked up. 

Gon was waving at him with both hands, streaking down and past like a shooting star, flying across the town overhead. Killua instinctively started trying to calculate his trajectory, figured out where he was landing, and realized:

Gon was a fucking idiot, and Gon was probably going to die.

“Nanika,” he started, “Make Gon safe when he lands.”

There was a few seconds where only silence passed. He watched Gon streak across the air, taking forever to land. He was doing something weird with his Nen. Putting all of it on one side...Oh. So that was it. He was going to get banged up, but he'd probably have been fine, unless that was a result of his command.

“Big brother,” Alluka said, and something in her voice made him turn around. She looked at him with worried eyes.

“We can't.” she said. 

Killua blinked. “Huh?”

“Nanika says, when she tries to move her power to make him land, it all goes into the contract instead. We can't do anything,” she said again. She was clearly getting worried. Killua cursed under his breath.

“Just great. So having one of your contracts active means you can't grant any other commands...? That's not good...” he said, walking over to her. He picked her up, holding her like a princess would be held “Ah well. He'll be fine, so it's no big deal. This is why I was worried about you changing things like that, though. It's a good thing we found out when it was still harmless.”

Alluka looked up at him. To her surprise, he was smiling at her. It calmed her down. Not entirely, but it was still nice.

She'd messed up. She'd taken a risk, and she still thought it was worth it, but she had thought she had things under control, and that could have made things really bad. But, to Killua, that was alright.

She didn't need to be perfect to be worth protecting. She hadn't even realized she was scared of that idea, until the threat of it was gone.

“You're gonna feel the spark, alright? We're gonna go meet Gon.”

She smiled wide. For the first time in months, she could believe in that voice's tender kindness.

“Yeah! Let's go!” she said.

And so, she sent Killua off to what, to him, seemed a fate worse than death.


	13. Chapter 13

They found him quickly, in the outskirts of the city, propped up against what was once half of a tree they had passed seconds before.

 

“Ouch ouch ouch oooouuuuuuuuchh!!!!!!!!!”

 

Those were the first words Killua heard from Gon in the four years since he'd seen him last.

 

“Seriously...? What were you thinking? You're such an idiot.”

 

Those were the first words Gon heard from Killua in the four years since he'd seen him last.

 

Gon grinned at him, and as Killua had expected, it was that same old incandescent ray that seemed to melt him from the inside. His heart soared and sank.

 

“Yeah, I guess I am. You know how to set an arm back, right? Can you help me out before we start?”

 

He held his arm out and downwards like a present. Every second that went by, Killua became more and more convinced of what an awful idea this was. Nothing had changed. Nothing at all.

 

He looked away from Gon, took a second to try and find some measure of strength, as he knelt down next to the boy and tried not to think about his hands, on that warm, familiar flesh again.

 

“I guess I gotta. Man, you like being a pain. How did you even get yourself flying like that?” He got his grip settled, his wrists snapped, he heard a yelp that was annoying and attractive at the same time, and he was up and back by Alluka's side before Gon even opened his eyes.

 

 

Gon blinked at him, with something that was just shy enough of a pout that it seemed mostly like he was curious, like he was trying to figure out the nature of a nice and interesting species. Killua stared back, determined to hold his ground, determined to protect himself from this boy who knew nothing about the power he had over him.

 

Then Gon's eyes did something...different. Something new. His face settled into that pout into it was real, until he seemed...

 

until he seemed what? Killua realized he didn't know. This was an expression of Gon's he did not know. That made him feel strange. Angry, almost. Bitter. And....

 

And scared? Was he scared? What was it that this face reminded him of?

 

He realized what it was: It was Gon's voice, saying

 

“ _I'm perfectly under control”._

 

He licked his lips. It wasn't quite like that. This, it was diluted a thousand, a million times. It was a pale shadow of what he'd been like that night. But it was still unmistakeable:

 

This was Gon, struggling with a situation that was insurmountable.

 

This was Gon, with guilty demons hounding at his heels.

 

This was Gon, denied what he wants, sad...

 

and angry.

 

But what was he angry at?

 

No: what RIGHT did he have to be angry at anything here, now?

 

Everything in him was clenched, but it was only now he noticed the tension. He forced himself to relax. He kind of succeeded, but only just.

 

Right. Here they were, then.

 

He sat down, and Alluka walked around him and sat off to the side, between them and apart, like a spectator come to watch a ring fight.

 

Gon kept sitting against the tree, but somehow, Killua kept imagining him kneeling. Gon stared down at the floor, quietly, but without any sense of calm. Instead, there was a sense of something, waiting to come out, just dying to break loose, held back by iron shackles and bars of steel.

 

Gon looked up, slowly, and Killua lost his breath.

 

How many times? How many times had Killua watched this boy, studied him, drunk from the wellspring of his life, while Gon looked at whatever stood next in his path?

 

Memories sprung, unbidden:

 

Gon refusing to give up, after Hanzo had broken his arm.

 

Gon, staring in his direction but not at him, thinking about Hisoka, thinking about the challenge and the thrill of the fight. The memory of those eyes, trained not on him but on the image in Gon's head, the picture of the barrel he was facing down, burnt into him. It was incredible, how Killua had managed to get himself caught in the crossfire.

 

Gon, saying the words he'd longed to hear before he realized he was longing: “It has to be Killua.” And it had to be Killua, but still, he'd said it looking at Tsezgerra.

 

 

Gon, with his eyes trained on Pitou, lashing out at Killua the second he put himself in the way.

 

Gon, always watching the horizon, sharpened and brightened with the focus of Ging, and Killua, always looking at Gon. Always Gon.

 

But now, Gon aimed those eyes, those intense, determined eyes, and Killua knew they saw him. Truly saw him, perhaps for the first time. It was all he could do to keep from shaking, to keep from running away.

 

How much did Gon really see? And what was he thinking now, with those eyes like loaded bullets, what was it that he _wanted_ to see?

 

Killua looked at Alluka. She was watchful, calm and silent. She was holding true to her promise.

 

He took a breath, and steeled himself. He could tell, Gon was waiting.

He was the one who had to start.

 

“I have two questions.” he said,

 

“One: Why did you accept Alluka's contract?

 

And Two: What were Alluka's requests?”

 

He pressed his palms against his knees. For now, this was all he had.

 

Gon was still for a bit longer than he would have expected. It wasn't like Gon to wait to answer a question. It wasn't like Gon to think so much at all. Eventually, he finally turned his deadly eyes away from Killua, looking down at the dirt and grass by his legs, instead.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“I can't really answer either of those questions”, he said.

  
Killua gritted his teeth and stared at the ground.

 

“Or well, not completely. I guess that I accepted because Alluka wanted me to. That, and I wanted my Nen back.”

 

Killua's stomach moved in ways he couldn't even describe. Was he admitting that he risked all their lives, just to have his power back?

 

“As for the requests, I can't tell you all of them. But I can tell you the first, I guess. Alluka asked me to let her see who I really am. She knew me from your stories, she said, but she wanted to understand.”

 

Thinking about the first answer hurt Killua too much right now, so he focused on the second.

 

“Understand? Understand what?”

 

“Mmm..” Gon looked up from the grass, looking over at Alluka.

“Is it okay if I talk about that?” he asked, softly and kindly.

 

Alluka considered the question carefully, and for that Killua was glad. She understood how important this was; how much they were risking, how carefully they all needed to tread. He still thought it wouldn't amount to anything, by the end, but if they could simply clear her conditions, then he would settle for that.

 

“Big brother,” she said, “Is it okay if I answer the parts that are about me?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Killua didn't hesitate. “Yes. The contract was made by both of you, so having both of you explain it only makes sense.” She had proven herself more than enough by now; he was sure that, if she sensed the conversation headed away from her and further towards the past, she would know to watch where she stands.

 

She started immediately, “I wanted to understand why you were always so sad. You always talked about Gon, but you never wanted to visit, and there seemed to be holes in your stories sometimes, like things that you thought about and they made you sad.”

 

Killua contained his recoil, but even so, he was mad all over again. She'd already told him all of this, but now Gon had heard it, too, and it made him burn hot with humiliation. He looked over at Gon, carefully, trying to see if he could measure his thoughts a bit better now--

 

Gon's eyes were still dark, still hollow and determined, but that couldn't stop the bright sheen of tears begginning to form around them. Killua had no idea that eyes could look like that. Why? If he felt like that, why wasn't he saying anything? He was about to ask, when, like he'd heard already, Gon asked:

 

“Killua... I really didn't deserve to be your friend, did I?”

 

Killua's eyes widened a little, and then narrowed a lot.

“What the hell makes you say that?”

 

Gon just shook his head. That just made him angrier. “Iiidiot. Don't say stuff like that if you already know you're wrong.”

 

“But you're hurt because of me.”

 

“You're wrong. I'm hurt because of me, plain and simple. You have nothing to do with it--”

 

 

“That's a lie” said Gon. “You're lying. You don't hide it any better. I'm glad.”

 

This was really pissing him off.

 

“Don't just arbitrarily decide what's the truth and what's a lie! You're so damned selfish!” Killua started, and just as soon jarred to a halt. He'd been trying to make Gon feel better, but even so, those last four words had come out in a spat, laced with venom. Gon flinched at them, but barely, and they called his eyes back up to him. Away from the grass.

 

Gon watched him, and something in his eyes...

 

Was it the determination, the stubborness, the way he took the poison in Killua's voice-- something new and entirely alien to both of them-- completely in stride, as if it had been medicine? Killua didn't know, but suddenly there was his anger, within reach and with an easy target.

 

“You always act like you know what's what, but the truth is you're full of crap! 'Didn't deserve to be your friend'? Idiot, idiot, IIIIIIIIIIIIDIIIIIIOT! If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have ANY friends!” he didn't know when, but he'd managed to get on all fours, crawled at Gon out of sheer anger by a few steps. Whatever. He got up, and his fist was clenched so hard it felt like it would claw right through itself.

 

“You're sad because you hurt me? Before I met you, hurting was all that I had. It was nothing new. I did it and I felt it, and that was life. You think you're so smart, and you don't even know that. Idiot. Ass.” there were tears threatening his eyes now, but he didn't care. He stared this boy down, this boy who took his words like bullets, this boy who was wonder and ruin and unholy, desperate _aggravation_.

 

“That's your problem, Gon. You're used to being the center of everything. Because most of the time, you are. It's not really your fault, since it just comes naturally. But it makes me mad.

 

 

“You had it so easy. You walked in and suddenly you just had me. It was so easy. I had nothing, and you were fun, and it was so easy to just fall into following behind your steps. And you wanted me there. No one had ever wanted me there. Not except Alluka. And you know? Eventually, I realized that was part of it. You reminded me of her.”

 

His eyes fluttered between Alluka-- containing surprise, but still in control-- and Gon, who's face had lost it's determination, swept under the rug by surprise and wonder. It didn't matter what he saw, anymore. Something in him had broken the lock on all the words he'd never had, and now there was no stopping them.

 

“And you held on to me. Again and again, you asked, and I stayed. Because you wanted. You wanted me, and you got me, again and again. Because to me, getting to breathe your air was the reward. Getting to see your eyes, getting to watch you smile. You always had a journey, Gon, but all I had was you.”

 

“And then, the moment you didn't like what I said, you said it was none of my business.”

 

His breath hitched. He hadn't even realized he'd started to cry. He fought the tears back, wrestled them, tore them from his eyes and looked at Gon straight in the face. His mouth was contorted, curves that made no real sense except to the tune of misery. Killua could tell he was sorry, but Killua knew they both knew that sorry wasn't good enough.

 

“It was so easy for you. It was so easy to take it all back. To make it so it wasn't the two of us together. To make it so I was on my own again. And then you just...left. Or tried to leave, anyway. You threw everything away like it was nothing. And when you did that, you were throwing me away, too.”

 

 

 

 

 

He could hear Gon's choked, strangled sobs. He could hear his voice, wavering. Every word seemed so heavy. So hard to drag out of his throat and into the air. But if this was going to happen, then it was going to happen all the way. He needed to make sure this was the end.

 

“And then, once I cleaned it all up for you, once I brought you back, you were too busy thinking about how sorry you felt to even give me a chance to say anything for myself.”

 

“It wasn't your fault, I guess. I couldn't bring myself to say anything, because I was just too relieved to have you back. But still...you apologized, but you didn't have a clue what any of your apologies really meant. And then, after that, things were supposed to be okay again, and I couldn't say anything anymore. I'd lost my chance.”

 

“Because just as soon as you were back, you were gone. And our time together was over. And until now, that was that.”

 

When had we walked this far? When had he gotten in front of Gon like this? His knees trembled. The worst was yet to come, shooting up from him like lightning, like howling, like poison-incurred vomit. It'd been so long. Gon's mouth was so wide, his teeth gritted so hard he could hear them scraping, his eyes wide and crying, but he kept staring up at him like a man determined to die from torture, but proud of his name.

 

“And the hell of it, the hell of all of it is, that even when I hated you, I knew it didn't matter. It wasn't your fault. It was never your fault. It was mine...”

 

Finally, his knees gave way. He was so tired of fighting it. And Gon was here, and sad, and he was making it worse but he wanted to make it better, and he didn't know what to do, he didn't know what to do anymore except give everyone what they thought they wanted, including himself.

 

 

 

 

His arms crept up along Gon's, curling around him until they reached the small of his back, and then he was holding him, and he was so close and warm and he hated himself but he wished this moment would last forever.

It was time to end it.

 

“It was my fault, Gon, because it wasn't fair to you for me to want what I wanted.” His voice shook, cracked, broke apart in a dozen places. Outside his awareness, outside of reality, Alluka stood next to them, quiet and crying and not making a sound. It was what she had wanted that led to this. At the least, though she could do nothing, she would bear witness.

 

“I couldn't just want you as a friend. I remember, when you went out with Palm, I followed. I needed to protect you. I needed to make you safe. But I couldn't help it, you know? I couldn't ignore the way it hurt that you never just looked at me, the way you looked at her by that tree. And I wanted...after everything, with you having your dad just ahead, with god knew what adventures waiting for you, how could I tell you I wanted...?”

 

His voice stopped. He wasn't sure why. He supposed that, maybe, he had just run out of words, and this last surprise had simply broken his capacity to make any more.

 

Gon was shaking.

 

Gon was _trembling_.

 

Not just from the crying; Killua would have been able to tell if it was the tears. Gon was trembling like he was terrified, like he was threatened, like there was something here that put him horribly, painfully at risk.

 

Killua tried to pull away, and only then did he notice Gon's arms, locked around his back, holding him in place. He was still shaking there, too, and yet their demand seemed firm and relentless.

 

 

  
They stayed that way for a few seconds, connected only by their arms and the gentle friction of their chests, by the curl of Gon's forehead against the bottom of his neck. Killua seemed lost, nearly.

 

Eventually, he heard something like a squeak. He leaned in slightly closer, barely, but it let Gon know he was listening.

 

He heard it again:

 

“...orry. I'm really sorry, Killua. I'll stop soon, it's not your fault, I'm sorry.”

 

He stared at the brush of black that grew from his best friend's head. It was all he could see. The earthquake known as Gon was subsiding.

 

“I guess...this really is something I have to deal with, after all.” said Gon. Killua continued to not understand.

 

They waited like that for a long time. Alluka sitting on the stump Gon's descent had left behind, close by and listening, waiting. Killua on his knees, curled around Gon as if to protect him from the sky and the rain that wasn't coming. Gon, sitting right on his ass, legs spread and straight against the ground like he was rooted in place, curled around Killua like he was trying to catch him.

 

Eventually, Gon found the words to speak.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Killua...”

 

“Yeah, Gon?”

 

“I think that, now, I'm like you were back then.”

 

Killua waited for Gon to say something that made sense.

 

In the meantime, he counted his heartbeats.

 

“Now, I can't...I don't have a home anymore.” Gon finally said.

 

“What? Gon, what are you talking about? You have Mito, don't you? You have your islan--

 

“Whale Island can't be home anymore, to me. I love Mito-mama, but her house is the only safe place, and all I can do there is wait for you to talk to me. I can't go to town anymore. I can't go to the forest. I can't go anywhere there, without you. Maybe even with you, I can't. I thought I could, but that's when I was leaving, and now all I can think of is how much I don't want to go back.”

 

“I can't be somewhere where I can't do anything. It isn't me. It isn't right. I think too much and I remember everything and it hurts, and I hate it.”

 

“So really, Alluka saved me. I needed my Nen back. I needed to be able to see you.”

 

Killua forgot how to breathe.

 

 

“After...after I met Ging, I'd thought, 'I wish I had been able to introduce Killua to him.'” But when I came down from the tree, you were already gone. And I couldn't help it, I couldn't help feeling like you hated me. You had to hate me. It wasn't fair, what I did. Even if you forgave me, it wasn't fair. So how could you not hate me...?”

 

Gon's hands clenched harder, so much harder, and the way they forced the air out of him was the only reason he remembered to take a breath. He listened.

 

“But in the forest, all I could think about was you, and Kite, and...everything.”, he knew he didn't need to explain what everything meant. Wars were something you remembered. “And the town was okay, at the start, but the more time went on, the more I remembered...Palm, and talking to you about dating, and Hisoka, and they started asking me to entertain ladies, and...”

 

He was shaking again, harder than before, and with a pang of dread and sorrow like nothing he'd ever felt before, he suddenly understood.

 

“and it got easier to stay home.” he finished, and it was like the confession had cut his strings. He lost the ability to hold himself up, even with Killua's arms pushing him up, so he pulled them down instead, Gon's back falling against the tree like a brick, Killua's forehead accidentally denting the damn thing. It hurt, but whatever. There were bigger things to worry about.

 

“So when Alluka asked me, I thought, maybe I had a chance. Maybe I could do something. Maybe, if I could get back Killua, I wouldn't feel so...empty, and dirty, and wrong.”

 

“I'm sorry. I know what you meant, about Palm and me. I can't say that I want to do all the things you probably want with me, either...”

  
Killua exhaled, but that was all. There wasn't much room for him to feel for the rejection. There was too much to feel for besides.

 

 

“But I remember thinking once, that when I was older, maybe it would be nice if you were the only one I had to go on dates with, or make feel nice, or touch or kiss or anything. Whenever I did it before, it was to make other people happy, but when I thought about it like you, it seemed like it could be fun. If no one else could do that stuff with me, because you'd get mad...thinking about that made me really happy.”

 

Killua was out of air. He breathed in deep and hard, certain it wouldn't matter, certain he was dead or else this was going to kill him. It couldn't be real. This couldn't be happening.

 

“But now, now I don't deserve any of that. After I left you alone all this time. After I betrayed you--

 

“Shut up!” he yelled. He yelled it so loud the birds shook free of their homes, sqwuaking away indignantly.

 

“I didn't even know. I knew it was weird, for you to be in your room all the time, for you to ask me for games to play like that. I knew it wasn't like you. I knew you had to want your Nen back. I knew you had to want something more than being in that house...”

 

“But I didn't even stop to think about it. I didn't want to try. I was too busy being bitter, and lonely, and not believing in you. I was too hung up on thinking you didn't need me, so you'd be fine without me around, whatever happened. I abandoned you, and still I...!”

 

But that was it. Those were the last of the words either of them could speak. Gon curled into him just a little more, and then there were just tears, just the sounds of them breaking into each other, re-shattering bones that had healed all wrong over the years

 

starting over

 

starting over.


	14. Chapter 14

They ended up getting up because, in the wake of the completion of the contract, (still a mystery, still maybe a hazard, but for now Killua didn't really want to ask) Alluka had fallen asleep.

 

Gon had asked Killua to let him carry her. In exchange, he needed Killua to go find his bag. It had his school stuff in it, and he'd dropped it on the way over, just before he'd flown over the borders of Heaven's Arena. It had been a green plain, so he was sure Killua could find it pretty quickly.

 

Killua did, and before Gon had even made his way to the entrance to the city, Killua was already back and walking next to him, wearing his backpack, his hands in his pockets like always.

 

Alluka slept soundly against Gon's chest, and Gon had his first real chance to take a look at their savior. His savior. He wondered if she'd like to learn how to fish, maybe.

 

“Killua.”

 

“Mmm? What's up?” Killua was looking at him, but carefully, still tender and still weary. They both were. But it was a happy kind of weary. The kind that you earned. Right now, any old words could bruise them.

 

“I have an idea.”

 

“So say it.”

 

“Will you let me come with you?” Gon said.

 

Killua studied him. Patiently, expectantly.

 

 

“I was thinking, when I was going around looking for Ging, you were there with me the whole time. You didn't need a special reason. You just stayed, because I wanted and you wanted, right?”

 

He looked away from Heaven's Arena, away from the nearing horizon of their destination, and turned his gaze on him. He was smiling. It reminded Killua more than ever of how he used to be. When they were young, and simple, and free. It was that determined, serious smile. Not quite the one Killua loved most, but getting there.

 

“I don't have anything I want to do for myself, except be with you. I want to get better. I want you, and me, to be happy. I think we can do that, if we work together and we try.” He continued. Then, he looked away from Killua again, and looked down at Alluka's sleeping face.

 

“And, I want to help you.

 

I want to help you help Alluka and Nanika

 

make a world where they can be free!”

 

Killua stared at this boy, well-known and different, like an good game replayed once you were old enough to understand all the words' meanings. This boy who had saved him, time and again. This boy who had called him his best friend in the world.

 

The boy he would live for, and die for, if given the chance.

 

Slowly, gently, scared of startling him, Killua put his arm around Gon's shoulders. He held him that way, watching him, watching Alluka, thinking he was the luckiest boy in the world. Remembering something Gon had told him, once.

 

 

 

 

 

“Hey, Gon?

 

“Yeah, Killua?”

 

“What do you want to be, in your next life?”

 

“Obviously, I want to be me, and meet you again!”

 

For a moment, Killua wondered if they would end up hurting each other again. If something would happen like what did on that day. He wondered.

 

But still, his answer wouldn't change.

 

“Yeah, me too.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“...”

 

“Killua...”

 

“That was pretty embarassing, don't you think? ”

 

“SHUT UP!!!!!! IDIOT!!!!!!!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember when i seriously thought this was where this fic was gonna end??? ahahahahahahahhahaha


	15. Chapter 15

They let life heal them, sweet and slow.

For a while, they kept a cautious sort of distance, no longer bitter or resentful, but rather simply necessary. Too much time had gone by, they'd grown up too much, and they needed time to introduce them to each other once again.

And so, love came like worn-down patchwork. They weren't strangers, they weren't quite lovers, they weren't quite friends. But that was fine. They had plenty of time, and meanwhile, they were tied together by history and memories and Alluka. 

They told her stories, together this time. Stories about Ging, about Biscuit, about Leorio and Kurapika, they turned Hisoka's name into a good-night boogeyman with which they played pretend. They shared the moment the two of them first met, and it was the first time any of the three of them understood fully how much it had meant to them. 

They got to know each other all over again. Gon was taller than him now, not by much, but just enough to brag about. Killua was stronger now, after years Gon spent barely active, but that was fine. Gon didn't mind playing catch-up.

Killua found out that his favorite image in the world was that of Gon looking down at Alluka. Smiling at her, showing her tricks, giving her a piggy back ride. The loves of his life. If alone they were each his sunlight, then together they became something he couldn't begin to describe. 

Gon slowly, slowly, took his body back from the claws of the past. Occasionally, he looked at Killua and hurt again, for the words of the past. But, like he could tell, Killua would touch his hand, or smack him lightly on the head, and he would smile at him, just a little.

Gon could feel the bite, still, but somehow he felt there was a dulling in the monster's fangs. 

 

They had always been in love, but slowly they figured out how to treat the love as fact. Watching Gon work on math, he couldn't decide what he loved more, watching him struggle and steam or hearing his successful laugh. He accepted that. Finally, he didn't feel quite like he needed to be sneaking glances, sneaking peeks only when he couldn't be noticed. He just watched, and loved, and drank. And when Gon finally noticed, his blushing apprehension only made Killua laugh. Then Gon was laughing too, a quiet grinning snicker, and they knew they would work it out in the end. 

Eventually, together, they broached the secrets Alluka shouldn't understand.  
It started suddenly. One night, the two of them sharing their bed, Alluka snoring lightly in hers, Gon simply began to speak. He talked about duty. He talked about being taught to please. He talked about women, and kisses, and beds. 

Killua listened. It broke his heart, a thousand ways, again and again, but he listened. He understood what it was like to hold on to words that could not be spoken, simply because the secrets inside them were too big to pass through the lips. He understood how hard it was. But Gon had always known about the nights in the torture room, about shocks and poisons and the velvet dark Illumi cast in his head, and now it was his turn to understand.

He waited patiently. It took time, everything took time, but Gon began to bloom fully in the end. His smiles were every bit as radiant as they had been when they first met. His eyes shone again, bright and honest and ready to take on anything. And he was comfortable and playful the first time he ran his fingers through the hair on Killua's head. They gave each other permission, time and time again, opening every door carefully and gently like the first one.

They visited old friends, they made new friends, and they held on to each other's hands often, at first because they needed to fight the wanting to hide and later simply because they wanted the world to know what they meant together. 

 

And eventually, they realized things would never be the same as they were back then. 

Because they were better.


End file.
